The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
