I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
