Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
