I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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