a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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