i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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