is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
