I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
