It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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