hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
