I think i sorta joined a cult last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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