Christians are straight up FREAKS
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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