My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
