dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
