i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
