and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
