Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I deserve this hangover.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
