as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
