And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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