My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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