There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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