I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
