i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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