I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
