We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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