I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
