sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
