Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
