She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
