this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
