Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
