I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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