She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
