so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
