i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
