apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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