the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
