Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
