Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
whose parrot is this?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
