Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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