I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
