the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
