I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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