Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
