Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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