My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My penis needs a shock collar
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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