direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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