youre lurking in front of me
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
