: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
