Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
