Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
