Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
