Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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