Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
